Tough Love: How to Survive and Thrive with medical infertility

I had the honour of being interviewed by my dear friend Federica Leonardis, who has started a new podcast called Tough Love, where she brings together stories that tell people that life after trauma is possible.

Whether that’s as a victim of circumstances or of the malice of others, this podcast explores how you can still have a marvellous life:

Have you ever wondered how, after tragedy hits, some people are able to move forward and thrive? In each episode of Tough Love, I'll interview a guest who has been through a traumatic experience such as medical infertility, divorce, abuse, the loss of a spouse, addiction, anorexia, a cancer diagnosis, a prison sentence. I will listen to their story and ask questions. I'll concentrate on the strategies and the daily habits they implemented that helped them rebuild their life and move beyond trauma. Tough Love celebrates human resilience, the amazing strength people display every day to live through what life has put in their path and move forward with courage and integrity.

How do you come to terms with the loss of something you never had? In this episode, we spoke about my journey through infertility and pregnancy loss, about the tyranny of hope, the healing power of dark humour and why sometimes hell really is other, well-meaning, people.

You can listen to the show online, on Spotify or Apple Podcasts - and do check out the other episodes for some incredible insights into a wide range of devastating and challenging life experiences.

#LTLU: Living the Life Unexpected - Blog Tour

One of the books that's made the biggest difference to coming to terms with my own infertility, authored by one of the writers and speakers who's helped me most along this journey, is 'Living the Life Unexpected' by Jody Day.

Jody is an amazing woman who I’m proud to have got to know: she’s a tireless advocate and voice for anyone who (for whatever reason) finds themselves childless-not-by-choice and founder of Gateway Women - a global friendship and support network for childless women.

‘Living the Life Unexpected’ is a book about coping with the heartbreak of involuntary childlessness and finding hope for a new kind of life – a life unexpected.

When I first read it, I wasn’t ready for any of that. Even now that we’ve come to end of the road with my body, having been told by doctors on both sides of the Atlantic that I will never be able to carry a child, I don’t know what the next phase of our journey will look like. So why would I choose to read - let alone enjoy, let alone recommend - a practical guide for making sense of a new identity as a childless woman?

“Let this book be your lighthouse; let it be your hope in the dark. Those of us who’ve already made this trip are waiting for you on the other side, and many others are in the water alongside you, each feeling that they’re swimming alone. But you’re not alone. Welcome to your Tribe.”

— Jody Day

Hope: A Different Perspective

If you’ve come across any of my writing or broadcasting before, you’ll probably know that ‘don’t lose hope’ and 'you’ll get there' are platitudes about infertility and pregnancy loss that drive me bonkers, because they suggest that any journey can be successful if you just keep going - the implication being that if you don't end up with a baby, it's because you didn't try hard enough, or because you didn't want it enough.

In the depths of despair, when the only way out of the darkness that was presented to me was to have a baby, the prospect of what would happen to me if I didn’t end up with a baby was utterly terrifying. Would I feel like this forever? Do people survive this?

(The answer is no, and yes, in that order).

Living the Life Unexpected was a lifeline because it gave me reassurance that happiness was possible even if our journey wasn’t successful.

The only infertility stories always seemed to end up with miracle babies, but what about the people who didn’t? Jody’s book helped me to realise that there was light at the end of the tunnel even if we didn’t end up at the destination we’d set out for.

I was still in treatment when I read this book, and it made such a huge difference to my mental health, because it helped me to realise that the ‘there’ in ‘you’ll get there’ didn’t necessarily mean ending up with a much-longed-for baby.

It helped me to realise that ‘don’t give up hope’ didn’t just mean hope that I would become a mother - but hope that I could still be happy even if I didn’t end up as a mother.

“For anyone who wanted to be a mother but is facing the prospect that the future you longed for might not happen, this book is the companion for you.”

Stories of Survival

The book is packed with practical advice about how to let go of the dream of motherhood to forge a creative, happy, meaningful and fulfilling future without children - which I wasn’t ready for. And that’s OK. I knew that it was there should the time come, a kind of ‘break glass in case of emergency’ safety backup system.

The stories of women who’d been in my shoes and felt what I was feeling, whose journeys hadn’t turned out how they’d hoped, but who’d made it through to the other side and found a new way forward - they were the role models I didn’t know I so desperately needed.

When the only stories I saw had fairytale endings, their stories showed that there are many different routes to your happy-ever-after.

It was the antidote to the tyranny of positivity that so infuriated me. It filled the gap in the ‘it’ll all be worth it when you have your baby in your arms’ narrative, that had no answer for ‘but what happens if I don’t end up with a baby in my arms?’

You don’t have to be at this crossroads yet to read this book.

But it’s a really useful map to help you feel less fearful and more prepared about what might lie ahead if you do reach that point - and a guide to get through it if you do end up there.

How to get your own copy

A brand new 2nd edition, fully revised with fresh perspectives for a new decade, is coming out on 19th March 2020, and I have a free, personally dedicated and signed copy to give away - check out my instagram to find out more!

Don’t worry if you miss out, there are over 25 copies up for grabs across the rest of the blog tour between now and 20th March, or by signing up for Jody’s free webinar on ‘Coping with Mother’s Day‘ on 14th March for a chance to win.

If you’re in the UK, you can pre-order a copy of the book (paperback or ebook) here.

If you’re outside the UK you can buy it online via Amazon or The Book Depository (which offers free international delivery).

Follow the blog tour

This post is just one of many on an international ‘blog tour’ to celebrate the launch of this new edition: many other bloggers from the CNBC (childless-not-by-choice) community around the world will be sharing their reflections about the book (and offering the chance to win a free copy) - please do check them out!

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This post isn’t sponsored: I’m just delighted to support Jody’s work, as she’s been a true inspiration to me, and has helped me - and so many other women - along the way. I hope it’ll help you too ❤️

Sky News: Why falling birth rates aren't all down to 'career women'

Following on from the latest figures from the Office of National Statistics showing that the birth rate in England & Wales is at an all time low, I was invited on to Sky News to debunk the myth of the selfish career woman who forgot to have children.

At 11 babies born per 1000 people, this is the lowest birth rate since records started in 1938; driven largely by falling fertility rates, which are also lower than all previous years since records began.

Sky don't make rolling news available on catchup, but here's a fuzzy iPhone version of the interview:

And for the quick overview, these were the key points I made:

Childless not Childfree

1 in 5 women aged 45 don't have children, but whilst some are childfree by choice, the majority are childless not-by-choice: some due to infertility (like me), but many are childless-by-circumstance - for a multitude of reasons, such as (amongst many others) not meeting the right partner, meeting the right partner but they didn't want children, not being in a financial position to start a family or having caring responsibilities.

It’s not all about women

The most common reason for having IVF is male factor infertility (37% of IVF cycles are due to sperm issues) - and with sperm counts declining at a catastrophic rate, the notion that falling birth rates are all down to women isn't just reductive, but it's pretty misogynistic.

Falling birthrates - good or bad?

Whilst on the one hand lots of environmental organisations are encouraging people to have fewer children in order to save the planet, on the other hand over half the world's countries are below replacement fertility (the fertility rate needed to maintain a society’s population size is 2.1 children per woman) - meaning they're facing a demographic timebomb, where they're aren't enough younger people of working age to pay for an ageing population, which is why so many countries have government campaigns trying to encourage its citizens to have more babies.

The increasing global population is mainly due to people living longer - not only are birth rates declining in many countries, but as developing countries with high birth rates prosper economically and contraception is more widely available, their birth rates will generally trend downwards. So whilst estimates show the global population is on the increase, it's actually projected to nearly stop growing by the end of the century.

Next time someone makes the typical ‘people having IVF are selfish, the world is overpopulated already’ infertility bingo comment, maybe ask them who’s going to pay for their pension?

Reclaiming barren

We also discussed my mission to reclaim the word ‘barren’ , and why it represents resilience and strength of character, and belonging to a sisterhood of some of the bravest, funniest, most kick-ass women you could ever wish to know.

Fertility education

In a recorded interview which went out in the 7pm bulletin, I spoke about the importance of fertility education to help young people better understand how fertility declines with age, and how it’s crucial that boys understand this as much as girls - because it takes two people to make a baby!

I also highlighted that whilst couples may be emotionally ready to start a family, there are many, many practical barriers that may stand in their way - primarily financial, given high rents, the difficulty of getting on the property ladder, and the lack of affordable childcare. Most of this got cut and didn’t make it into the broadcast, but I think these are really important factors as to why it’s not all about selfish career women!

“You never know true love until you have a child”

Photo by Nadine Shaabana on Unsplash

[ Originally posted on Medium ]

“You never know true love until you have a child”

This quote is definitely a podium winner when it comes to ‘hurtful comments people say when you’re childless not by choice’

Let’s dissect this sentence, shall we?

1. ‘You never know true love until you have a child’

Which ‘you’ is that? You, the person saying this out loud, may have felt this about your own experience — that you were wandering in a world bereft of genuine love until YOU had a child. In which case, dear person making this comment, it would be more accurate to say, ‘I myself didn’t know true love until I had a child’. A statement which is all sorts of problematic in so many other ways, but let’s get the pedantry out of the way first.

‘You’ doesn’t mean ‘me’. It means ‘the person or people that the speaker is addressing’, or may also be used ‘to refer to any person in general’

If you’re addressing me personally, then I have two words for you. One begins with ‘F’, and the other is ‘off’.

Firstly, that’s a massive assumption: you know absolutely nothing about my life. You know nothing about the love I share with my beloved husband & soulmate; the loving relationships I have with friends and family; the love I have for the things in my life that fulfil and enrich me; and the love I have for the amazing women I have never met — but who have been my lifeline throughout my experience of infertility, pregnancy loss, and involuntary childlessness.

And secondly, even if you did know my innermost thoughts (which you don’t), you cannot speak for anyone else but yourself. Your narrow-minded feelings are your own, you don’t and can’t speak for me and mine. And certainly not for ‘any person in general’ who doesn’t have a child.

2. You never know true love until you have a child’

Another semi-linguistic point. ‘Until’ is another insensitive and hurtful part of that sentence. ‘Until you have a child’ suggests that having a child is an inevitability, that it’s something ‘you just do’, that it’s a universal experience. Newsflash: it isn’t. Many, many people will never have a child. Many of those people are childless not by choice. We desperately wanted to have a child. We wanted it to be part of our own lived experience. But life didn’t turn out that way. There simply is no ‘until’ for us.

3. You never know true love until you have a child’

Why and how do you get to define true love? How can you compare different experiences of love? What does ’true love’ even mean? That every other kind of love is invalid compared to love for your child?

It also makes no sense from a basic logic POV: if the only true love is a parent’s love for their child, then by that definition all love is unrequited! A parent’s true love for their child isn’t truly reciprocated, because their child can only know true love until they have a child. And so on, and so on. Which is a pretty f***ed up way of looking at the world!

In my world, my love for my spouse, family, friends and community is enormous, real and true. I don’t know what my experience of loving a child would be like, but I would hope that it would be a joy that didn’t automatically negate every other experience of love in my life.

There is no higher or lesser form of love, every form of love is unique — regardless of whether you have a child or not.

Love is love.

This was originally published on the World Childless Week website, about Comments that Hurt, as part of #worldchildlessweek

Nature 1: 0 Science

image by chuttersnap on Unsplash

[ Originally posted on Medium ]

‘Well, Ms Lindemann, you are, without doubt, the weirdest case I have ever seen’

So said the eminent Professor and world-leading researcher in infertility and miscarriage. I was one of the thousands of women who came to his clinic from all over the country — even the world. He’d been a specialist in reproductive medicine for well over 20 years, but I was the strangest case he’d ever seen.

‘I’ve never seen what happens to your womb in humans before, only in mice.’

I’m not just infertile, I’m really really infertile.

1 in 6 couples experience infertility, but I’m the only woman in the world with a womb like a mouse, apparently.

My husband is apoplectic with rage when I’m introduced to another Dr as being ‘like a mouse’, as he (rightly) says that it’s dehumanising. I’m so used to feeling like a lab rat, I don’t even notice.

The eminent Professor says that statistically, most couples do get there eventually, with persistence (although at what physical, emotional and financial cost?)

And that from a clinical point of view, he rarely recommends that a couple stop trying for a baby because they’re a hopeless cause — that the decision to continue is one for them and them alone.

‘But, Ms Lindemann, you are a case entirely all on your own. There is absolutely no question that there is no point in you continuing treatment — your womb is simply unable to sustain a pregnancy’.

Our route to reaching the end of the road was ridiculously short and sharp. From starting trying to being told I’ll never have a baby, in just 2 years. We were doing IVF within 3 months of starting to try: anyone who says the baby-making phase is fun has clearly never gone through fertility treatment (which a friend of mine astutely describes as ‘a very expensive form of self-harm’).

Highlights of just one 12-month period include 4 IVF cycles, 3 cancelled cycles, 2 pregnancies, 2 losses and 3 surgeries (no partridge in a pear tree). Then begins the slow descent to the end, as it’s clear that whatever procedures, therapies or medications we try, things are getting worse, not better.

If anyone chips in with a well-intentioned — but desperately unhelpful — ‘have you tried…’ comment (yes, it’s great that your infertile friend was told she’ll never have children, then snorted some oregano and licked a tortoise and now they have miracle quadruplets, but that has no relevance to my situation), I bite my tongue, as I will win the ‘have you tried’ game.

Things I have tried to improve my womb include:

• HRT (oral, vaginal & patches)

• low doses of hormone injections

• high doses of hormone injections

• oral Viagra

• vaginal Viagra pessaries at £1000 for 7 days (specially commissioned from a compounding pharmacy in Cardiff)

• uterine washes with a drug used for bone marrow harvesting

• blood pressure tablets

• blood thinning tablets and injections

• tablets used to treat breast cancer

• many, many womb biopsies

• surgeries

• going on contraception (yes, a copper IUD was part of my fertility treatment)

In addition to thousands and thousands of pounds on:

• fertility acupuncture

• a bazillion supplements

• red raspberry leaf tea

• pomegranate juice

• red meat & other ‘womb lining friendly food

• Mayan abdominal massage & nightly castor oil packs

• fertility reflexology

• lots of fertility meditation & hypnotherapy.

Spoiler alert: none of this worked.

The narrative that if you try hard enough, keep going, don’t give up, stay strong and you’ll get there, that it’ll all be worth it when you have your baby in your arms, isn’t just unhelpful — it’s offensive.

(See also the ‘You can beat cancer if you fight hard enough’ narrative.)

As though if we weren’t successful, it’s because we didn’t try hard enough.

No. Just no.

I’m childless not by choice because of biology.

Nature 1, Science 0.

I might be the only woman in the world with a uterus that’s so dysfunctional it’s never been seen in humans before.

But I’m not alone in being infertile. The WHO defines infertility as a ‘disease of the reproductive system’. I am the 1 in 6.

I’m childless not by choice because I suffer from this disease. Not because I didn’t try hard enough.

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This was originally published on the World Childless Week website, for the theme ‘Facts & Figure: Our Stories’, as part of #worldchildlessweek